Thanks to E.M. in period 1 for sharing her creative writing! Written Sept. '07--



Thanks to V.E for sharing her creative writing! Written Sept. '07--



Written in class on 9/7/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention

E.O. Period 1
The government can use the computer to track down lots of things that may
be going wrong. Lots of times, when the government gets threats, they can
use the computer to track down exactly where the threat is coming from, and
before you know it, the person who said that threat anonymously is arrested.
There are ways the government officials use the computer to get readings from
chips that would explode. Then, if the government gets the correct reading,
many people are saved. Computers are an amazing invention that the government
uses for good.
  • GREAT FOCUS! One MAIN reason (govern. uses it for safety) is made in this
paragraph with details to develop that main reason.

E.M. Period 1
Lamps contain no molten wax or burning flame. They could now be used more
safely around the children without worry. They were more practical as well.
Flip a switch, and the light goes on. Flip it again and the light is extinguished.
The ease of this invention made it common in the home and workplace, completely
changing the way people lived.
  • STYLE! Subtle topic sentence that gets the reader right into the
main point
  • Strong word choice like extinguish and molten.
  • Clear concluding sentence.

W.M. Period 1
First people would have to walk or ride a horse. That soon became a horse and
buggy, but before we knew it, we had motorized buggies. That was the first stage
of our current car. Over the years, the simple vehicle became more advanced.
We now have many extra things to make our ride more comfortable and safe. For
instance, now we have cushioned seats, music, and airbags. Those things improve
our ride and make transportation easier. Cars have made getting from one place
to another quick, easy, and safe. The car companies have installed special things
in the brake to help them stop faster and more efficiently.
  • ORGANIZATION/CONTENT: Subtle lead in to main point, using a bit on the history.
Many specifics (seats music, for .example) help improve content

D.W. Period 1
Although computers may seem like a perfect invention, they are just one of the
many examples of the saying, nothing is perfect. If your computer has ever had
a major breakdown or suddenly lost Internet connection, you’re one of many. For me,
it always seems to break down or lose connection when I need it the most. Even with
all that new high-speed stuff, that can still happen. Another thing that happens
to everyone is the printer having a problem that they can’t fix until the day the
essay is due. Whether you run out of paper, ink, or just don’t know what’s wrong,
with it, something always seems to come up. So when you’re researching, typing, or
doing your homework, have a back-up plan because computers might be great to have,
but something can always go wrong.
  • ORGNAIZATION: Look how the topic sentence and concluding sentence complement
each other so well without being repetitive.
  • CONTENT: specific scenarios (limited to two—Internet conn. and the printer)

T.S. Period 1
The Internet also improves lives by providing information to people that they need to
know. If there’s an emergency, like a fire, you can access the Internet and pull up a
map and steer the fireman in the right direction, so he/she can save lives. What if you
had to unroll a map, search it for streets, and houses? People could die. The Internet
is much quicker. The Internet improves lives by helping people to communicate quicker,
like sending an e-mail, an instant message, or others to get in touch. The Internet is
truly more efficient to people’s lives.
  • FOCUS/CONTENT: Again, the limit of two main examples to support one main point is
the way to write a strong paragraph! This is particularly persuasive b/c of one specific
point: people could die.

L.O. Period 1
One reason iPods are the best invention is that they are smaller and more versatile than
a CD player. When I go jogging, I don’t have my hands full with an oversized music player.
All you need is an armband (with an iPod slot), a pocket, or a case with a belt clip, and
you’re ready to run. They can also fill in small compartments when you travel. You won’t
have to lug around all those batteries with iPods because they’re rechargeable.
  • CONTENT: specific scenario that is explained fully with two pieces of support (jogging and travel)

Written in class on 9/6/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention
B.A. per. 4
Most people believe on-line gaming is bad for kids, but it can also help them
learn like television helps them learn. The game Runescape teaches me responsibility
and math. When you first start to play Runescape, you must make an account and after
a while you learn to make money by working on different skills and/or selling or
buying items. Then once you can buy multiple items at a time, you have to add up
how much you will get or spend. Then comes the responsibility: once you have made
your account, you will have a password and then a bank pin where you store your
items. Now with addictinggame.com, that is a different story because you just
play, play, play for hours on end. So for every game website, there can be
consequences and learning experiences for all ages.
The above example displays
  • Good idea to make comparison (to television)
  • Specific example (Runescape) with details
  • Still more details/support
  • Recognizes the opposing viewpoint
  • Clear concluding sentence

A.L. per 4/5
A computer has usually been one of those inventions that always receives mixed
comments—some love it, some hate it, other just like it. The computer has come
a long way from when it was made. It just keeps advancing, and this becomes one
of the problems. One day you spend a fortune of $3,000 on a new computer. And
when you get home, you see a commercial for one better than yours. Also they’re
overpriced to begin with.
The above example displays
  • Excellent lead in to first point in paragraph (that advancements can be a problem)

C.H. Period 2/3
We need the light bulb. At home we do not realize how much we use the light bulb.
We use it for getting dressed, preparing food, and even enjoying nature. If we
didn’t have a light bulb, we would put on different colored socks in the morning,
incorrectly measure ingredients, or fall while walking down the driveway. We would
have a difficult time operating without the light bulb.
The above example displays
  • very specific examples

K.A. period 2/3
Second, motor vehicles are also bad for the world because they cause global warming
and many deaths. They cause global warming because the gasoline is stored inside cars,
trucks, and planes. When gasoline from the motor vehicles goes into the earth’s atmosphere,
it causes the world to get warmer, causing problems with the environment. Also, motor
vehicles cause many deaths because of the car crashes and plane crashes. About half the
deaths in the world are caused by motor vehicles.
  • very specific examples
  • Look how the topic sentence addresses BOTH global warming and deaths (two main points).
  • Main reason is stated (global warming) then the writer EXPLAINS it
  • Very clear second point
  • Statistic used to further prove point

D.I. period 2/3
One invention that makes life easier is electricity. Electricity helps let us have most
technology that we have now such as televisions, microwaves, alarm clocks, and so on.
Electricity is getting even better too. Now we have electric cars which are run by
electricity and can charge overnight. But most important of all is probably the light
bulbs which give off light and allow people to see in the night.
  • Specific examples
  • Specific example WITH supporting detail (can charge overnight)

Written in class on 9/6/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention
B.A. per. 4
Most people believe on-line gaming is bad for kids, but it can also help them
learn like television helps them learn. The game Runescape teaches me responsibility
and math. When you first start to play Runescape, you must make an account and after
a while you learn to make money by working on different skills and/or selling or
buying items. Then once you can buy multiple items at a time, you have to add up
how much you will get or spend. Then comes the responsibility: once you have made
your account, you will have a password and then a bank pin where you store your
items. Now with addictinggame.com, that is a different story because you just
play, play, play for hours on end. So for every game website, there can be
consequences and learning experiences for all ages.
The above example displays
  • Good idea to make comparison (to television)
  • Specific example (Runescape) with details
  • Still more details/support
  • Recognizes the opposing viewpoint
  • Clear concluding sentence

A.L. per 4/5
A computer has usually been one of those inventions that always receives mixed
comments—some love it, some hate it, other just like it. The computer has come
a long way from when it was made. It just keeps advancing, and this becomes one
of the problems. One day you spend a fortune of $3,000 on a new computer. And
when you get home, you see a commercial for one better than yours. Also they’re
overpriced to begin with.
The above example displays
  • Excellent lead in to first point in paragraph (that advancements can be a problem)

C.H. Period 2/3
We need the light bulb. At home we do not realize how much we use the light bulb.
We use it for getting dressed, preparing food, and even enjoying nature. If we
didn’t have a light bulb, we would put on different colored socks in the morning,
incorrectly measure ingredients, or fall while walking down the driveway. We would
have a difficult time operating without the light bulb.
The above example displays
  • very specific examples

K.A. period 2/3
Second, motor vehicles are also bad for the world because they cause global warming
and many deaths. They cause global warming because the gasoline is stored inside cars,
trucks, and planes. When gasoline from the motor vehicles goes into the earth’s atmosphere,
it causes the world to get warmer, causing problems with the environment. Also, motor
vehicles cause many deaths because of the car crashes and plane crashes. About half the
deaths in the world are caused by motor vehicles.
  • very specific examples
  • Look how the topic sentence addresses BOTH global warming and deaths (two main points).
  • Main reason is stated (global warming) then the writer EXPLAINS it
  • Very clear second point
  • Statistic used to further prove point

D.I. period 2/3
One invention that makes life easier is electricity. Electricity helps let us have most
technology that we have now such as televisions, microwaves, alarm clocks, and so on.
Electricity is getting even better too. Now we have electric cars which are run by
electricity and can charge overnight. But most important of all is probably the light
bulbs which give off light and allow people to see in the night.
  • Specific examples
  • Specific example WITH supporting detail (can charge overnight)