Student+Writnig+Samples+07-08

Thanks to E.M. in period 1 for sharing her creative writing! Written Sept. '07--

Thanks to V.E for sharing her creative writing! Written Sept. '07--

Written in class on 9/7/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention

E.O. Period 1 The government can use the computer to track down lots of things that may be going wrong. Lots of times, when the government gets threats, they can use the computer to track down exactly where the threat is coming from, and before you know it, the person who said that threat anonymously is arrested. There are ways the government officials use the computer to get readings from chips that would explode. Then, if the government gets the correct reading, many people are saved. Computers are an amazing invention that the government uses for good. paragraph with details to develop that main reason.
 * GREAT FOCUS! One MAIN reason (govern. uses it for safety) is made in this

E.M. Period 1 Lamps contain no molten wax or burning flame. They could now be used more safely around the children without worry. They were more practical as well. Flip a switch, and the light goes on. Flip it again and the light is extinguished. The ease of this invention made it common in the home and workplace, completely changing the way people lived. main point
 * STYLE! Subtle topic sentence that gets the reader right into the
 * Strong word choice like extinguish and molten.
 * Clear concluding sentence.

W.M. Period 1 First people would have to walk or ride a horse. That soon became a horse and buggy, but before we knew it, we had motorized buggies. That was the first stage of our current car. Over the years, the simple vehicle became more advanced. We now have many extra things to make our ride more comfortable and safe. For instance, now we have cushioned seats, music, and airbags. Those things improve our ride and make transportation easier. Cars have made getting from one place to another quick, easy, and safe. The car companies have installed special things in the brake to help them stop faster and more efficiently. Many specifics (seats music, for .example) help improve content
 * ORGANIZATION/CONTENT: Subtle lead in to main point, using a bit on the history.

D.W. Period 1 Although computers may seem like a perfect invention, they are just one of the many examples of the saying, nothing is perfect. If your computer has ever had a major breakdown or suddenly lost Internet connection, you’re one of many. For me, it always seems to break down or lose connection when I need it the most. Even with all that new high-speed stuff, that can still happen. Another thing that happens to everyone is the printer having a problem that they can’t fix until the day the essay is due. Whether you run out of paper, ink, or just don’t know what’s wrong, with it, something always seems to come up. So when you’re researching, typing, or doing your homework, have a back-up plan because computers might be great to have, but something can always go wrong. each other so well without being repetitive.
 * ORGNAIZATION: Look how the topic sentence and concluding sentence complement
 * CONTENT: specific scenarios (limited to two—Internet conn. and the printer)

T.S. Period 1 The Internet also improves lives by providing information to people that they need to know. If there’s an emergency, like a fire, you can access the Internet and pull up a map and steer the fireman in the right direction, so he/she can save lives. What if you had to unroll a map, search it for streets, and houses? People could die. The Internet is much quicker. The Internet improves lives by helping people to communicate quicker, like sending an e-mail, an instant message, or others to get in touch. The Internet is truly more efficient to people’s lives. the way to write a strong paragraph! This is particularly persuasive b/c of one specific point: people could die.
 * FOCUS/CONTENT: Again, the limit of two main examples to support one main point is

L.O. Period 1 One reason iPods are the best invention is that they are smaller and more versatile than a CD player. When I go jogging, I don’t have my hands full with an oversized music player. All you need is an armband (with an iPod slot), a pocket, or a case with a belt clip, and you’re ready to run. They can also fill in small compartments when you travel. You won’t have to lug around all those batteries with iPods because they’re rechargeable.
 * CONTENT: specific scenario that is explained fully with two pieces of support (jogging and travel)

Written in class on 9/6/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention B.A. per. 4 Most people believe on-line gaming is bad for kids, but it can also help them learn like television helps them learn. The game Runescape teaches me responsibility and math. When you first start to play Runescape, you must make an account and after a while you learn to make money by working on different skills and/or selling or buying items. Then once you can buy multiple items at a time, you have to add up how much you will get or spend. Then comes the responsibility: once you have made your account, you will have a password and then a bank pin where you store your items. Now with addictinggame.com, that is a different story because you just play, play, play for hours on end. So for every game website, there can be consequences and learning experiences for all ages. The above example displays
 * Good idea to make comparison (to television)
 * Specific example (Runescape) with details
 * Still more details/support
 * Recognizes the opposing viewpoint
 * Clear concluding sentence

A.L. per 4/5 A computer has usually been one of those inventions that always receives mixed comments—some love it, some hate it, other just like it. The computer has come a long way from when it was made. It just keeps advancing, and this becomes one of the problems. One day you spend a fortune of $3,000 on a new computer. And when you get home, you see a commercial for one better than yours. Also they’re overpriced to begin with. The above example displays
 * Excellent lead in to first point in paragraph (that advancements can be a problem)

C.H. Period 2/3 We need the light bulb. At home we do not realize how much we use the light bulb. We use it for getting dressed, preparing food, and even enjoying nature. If we didn’t have a light bulb, we would put on different colored socks in the morning, incorrectly measure ingredients, or fall while walking down the driveway. We would have a difficult time operating without the light bulb. The above example displays
 * very specific examples

K.A. period 2/3 Second, motor vehicles are also bad for the world because they cause global warming and many deaths. They cause global warming because the gasoline is stored inside cars, trucks, and planes. When gasoline from the motor vehicles goes into the earth’s atmosphere, it causes the world to get warmer, causing problems with the environment. Also, motor vehicles cause many deaths because of the car crashes and plane crashes. About half the deaths in the world are caused by motor vehicles.
 * very specific examples
 * Look how the topic sentence addresses BOTH global warming and deaths (two main points).
 * Main reason is stated (global warming) then the writer EXPLAINS it
 * Very clear second point
 * Statistic used to further prove point

D.I. period 2/3 One invention that makes life easier is electricity. Electricity helps let us have most technology that we have now such as televisions, microwaves, alarm clocks, and so on. Electricity is getting even better too. Now we have electric cars which are run by electricity and can charge overnight. But most important of all is probably the light bulbs which give off light and allow people to see in the night.
 * Specific examples
 * Specific example WITH supporting detail (can charge overnight)

Written in class on 9/6/07 For a prompt about the most impacting invention B.A. per. 4 Most people believe on-line gaming is bad for kids, but it can also help them learn like television helps them learn. The game Runescape teaches me responsibility and math. When you first start to play Runescape, you must make an account and after a while you learn to make money by working on different skills and/or selling or buying items. Then once you can buy multiple items at a time, you have to add up how much you will get or spend. Then comes the responsibility: once you have made your account, you will have a password and then a bank pin where you store your items. Now with addictinggame.com, that is a different story because you just play, play, play for hours on end. So for every game website, there can be consequences and learning experiences for all ages. The above example displays
 * Good idea to make comparison (to television)
 * Specific example (Runescape) with details
 * Still more details/support
 * Recognizes the opposing viewpoint
 * Clear concluding sentence

A.L. per 4/5 A computer has usually been one of those inventions that always receives mixed comments—some love it, some hate it, other just like it. The computer has come a long way from when it was made. It just keeps advancing, and this becomes one of the problems. One day you spend a fortune of $3,000 on a new computer. And when you get home, you see a commercial for one better than yours. Also they’re overpriced to begin with. The above example displays
 * Excellent lead in to first point in paragraph (that advancements can be a problem)

C.H. Period 2/3 We need the light bulb. At home we do not realize how much we use the light bulb. We use it for getting dressed, preparing food, and even enjoying nature. If we didn’t have a light bulb, we would put on different colored socks in the morning, incorrectly measure ingredients, or fall while walking down the driveway. We would have a difficult time operating without the light bulb. The above example displays
 * very specific examples

K.A. period 2/3 Second, motor vehicles are also bad for the world because they cause global warming and many deaths. They cause global warming because the gasoline is stored inside cars, trucks, and planes. When gasoline from the motor vehicles goes into the earth’s atmosphere, it causes the world to get warmer, causing problems with the environment. Also, motor vehicles cause many deaths because of the car crashes and plane crashes. About half the deaths in the world are caused by motor vehicles.
 * very specific examples
 * Look how the topic sentence addresses BOTH global warming and deaths (two main points).
 * Main reason is stated (global warming) then the writer EXPLAINS it
 * Very clear second point
 * Statistic used to further prove point

D.I. period 2/3 One invention that makes life easier is electricity. Electricity helps let us have most technology that we have now such as televisions, microwaves, alarm clocks, and so on. Electricity is getting even better too. Now we have electric cars which are run by electricity and can charge overnight. But most important of all is probably the light bulbs which give off light and allow people to see in the night.
 * Specific examples
 * Specific example WITH supporting detail (can charge overnight)